my experiment
for this piece i started by writing out a text which i used a automated voice to read out.
When I’m anxious everything becomes blurry.
Your whole head becomes fuzzy and everything hurts. My head hurts, my legs
hurt, my chest hurts. My hands can’t keep still. Nothing feels real. My thumb
start to scratch at my other hand and keeps going and repeating. The repetition
keeps me focused. The constant pain that grows keeps my head together. As I
scratch through my hand and my head is still here but sometimes somebody
notices and I cant. Sometimes when I'm anxious I want to go and to just get
away. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be here, where I am. If I'm here
people look at me. They question me, my actions, my appearance, my voice, my
work, how I’m sitting, how I stand, how my hair is. Every little detail. If I
sit in a certain way it can help because I don’t look as stupid, as fat, as
ugly. But then I notice I still look the same. Whatever I do I can’t change
that. People notice me and I can’t sit still, they’re thinking to themselves
“what’s wrong with her? Such a weirdo.” When the pain kicks in I am willing
them to help me. I feel like I am going
to die. Then I realise this is all in my head. They can’t see my world is
collapsing, that I'm terrified of what is happening to me. I'm trying to hide what
is happening but willing just somebody to realise. I want them to take me out
and get away. If I go on my own everyone will judge they will wonder what the
hell that is for. There’s nothing to be scared of. When I get outside I look at
the sky and its peaceful. I curl up on the floor and I sit and watch the
i recorded this spoken in the computer voice and i liked how impersonal yet personal it was. i liked how its an emotive piece of writing but the computer generated voice leaves it more general to apply to more people. i used 2 different voices partly because i wanted the Stephan Hawking voice reading it but also so i could compare the different voices. i tried a female voice but it was much less effective.
after this experiment i looked at developing the voices and by developing the texting and cutting it up and taking it completely out of context.
When I’m anxious everything becomes blurry.
Your whole head becomes fuzzy and everything hurts. And becomes fuzzy and everything hurts. And
becomes fuzzy and everything hurts.
My head hurts, my legs hurt, my
chest hurts. and everything hurts. My My hands can’t keep still. Nothing feels
real. My thumb start to scratch at my other hand and keeps going and repeating.
The repetition keeps me focused. Keeps me focused. The constant pain that grows
keeps my head together. As I
scratch through my hand and my head is still here but sometimes somebody
notices and I cant. I cant. I cant. When I’m anxious everything becomes blurry.
And becomes fuzzy and everything hurts.
I cant. I cant. I cant. Nothing feels real.
Sometimes when I'm anxious I want to go and
to just get away. to just get away. to just get away. I
don’t want to be me I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be here, where I am. I don’t
want to be here, I don’t want to be
here, If I'm here people look at me. They question
me, my actions, my appearance, my actions, my voice, my work, my appearance, my
actions, how I’m sitting, how I stand, how my hair is. Every little detail. I want to go and to just just just get away. to
just get away. to just just get away.
If I sit in a certain way it can help because
I don’t look as stupid as fat as ugly as stupid as ugly But then I notice I
still look the same Whatever I do I can’t change that People notice me and I
can’t sit still they’re thinking to themselves “what’s wrong with her? Such a
weirdo.” When the pain kicks in I am willing them to help me I feel like I am
going to die.
I feel like I am going to die.
Then I realise this is all in my head. They can’t see my world is collapsing, that
I'm terrified of what is happening to me. I'm trying to hide what is happening
but willing just somebody to realise. I'm
trying to hide what is happening but willing just somebody to realise. I'm trying to hide what is happening but
willing just somebody to realise. I'm trying to hide what is happening but
willing just somebody to realise. I want them to take me out and get me away. and
get me away. and get me away. Then I realise this is all in my head. They can’t see. this is all in my head.
If I sit in a certain way it can help
because I don’t look as stupid as fat as ugly as stupid as ugly But then I
notice I still look the same Whatever I do I can’t change that People notice me
and I can’t sit still they’re thinking to themselves “what’s wrong with her?
Such a weirdo.” When the pain kicks in I am willing them to help me I feel like
I am going to die.
When I’m anxious everything becomes blurry.
Your whole head becomes fuzzy and everything hurts. And becomes fuzzy and everything hurts. And
becomes fuzzy and everything hurts.
My head hurts, my legs hurt, my chest hurts. and everything hurts.
If I go on my own everyone will judge they
will wonder what the hell that is for. There’s nothing to be scared of. When
I’m anxious everything becomes blurry.
When I get outside I look at the sky and
its peaceful. When I’m anxious everything becomes blurry. I curl up on the
floor and I sit and watch the clouds. If I go on my own everyone will judge
they will wonder what the hell that is for. If I start to loose my breathing
its hard. I’m panicking, I can’t breathe. I can’t catch my breath I’m
panicking, I can’t breathe and I can’t calm down. Its so hectic but my head
becomes clear and I am filled with fear that I might not be able to stop. I
need to breathe properly. My head goes again, it’s so blurry and then I wake
up. Slumped against the wall. That slipping out of consciousness makes it stop.
Sometimes I like to faint. It makes it go away.
I
walk in as if nothing has happened but it’s not easy.
I’m exhausted, scared about next time,
scared I wont wake up one day.
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